Brad’s Corner is a monthly commentary written by Brad about whatever he feels like. It’s supposed to be funny, interesting and thought provoking, but most geniuses are misunderstood. Check out the September 2004 edition of Brad’s Corner and see what’s on his mind.
With the start of the new school year, I thought I’d use this month’s column to warn the soon to be entry-level professionals of what they have to look forward to. When you’re in college, you know it all, you have a plan and you think you can change the world; then you graduate and the world changes you.
Maybe, I’m the only one that feels this way, because I hate my job. Just three years out of college and I’ve become the guy from Office Space. The guy who does just enough to keep his job and not rock the boat at the office. When I first graduated, I was full of ambition, drive, and the desire to succeed. Now all of that optimism has been ripped from my soul by the cubicle gods. With each day that I spend in the modern corporate office hell, I realize I am one day closer to the asylum. Why I can’t get paid for working on Galleywinter, listening to music and drinking beer with my friends, I’ll never know. Some people have those jobs, but they all live in Hollywood, New York or Nashville and they’re the talent-less wastes of space who bring us such great entertainment as: the Catwoman movie, all of the UPN programming, and Nick Carter’s solo record.
Those of us that work in offices each have our own resident nosy, tattletale person. Whether you’re 5 minutes early or 2 minutes late, you can bet that they will be sure to let the boss know. They’re also the person that answers the phone really annoyingly and chipper each time as if they’re acting as a receptionist on an episode of General Hospital. Believe it or not, this is the same person who still can’t figure out the paper jams in the copier or how to make a long distance fax, despite having worked there longer than you! You’ve also got the resident quiet, creepy guy who speaks in a whisper and is so joyless that just looking at him makes you reach for a prozac or a handgun. Also, don’t forget the boss who hardly shows up, phones in assignments from the golf course, and is generally unqualified for the position. All of this breeds a working environment where you divide up your tasks and day into what sucks the least. You long for 5 o clock and you dread 8 AM. Songs, movies, stories and jokes have been written about this subject, and I suppose they always will. So here’s to you, fellow future corporate minions, enjoy yourself now. Until I win the lotto or strike it big with my enormous talents I’ll be suffering right along side you!
(Just like at the end of movies I want to proclaim that any resemblance to anyone in this piece is purely coincidental and unintentional. I pulled from my memory bank of other people’s horror stories and every job I’ve ever had.)
-Speaking of work, wouldn’t it be awesome if we got a Labor Day every month? A federally mandated 3-day weekend. As Americans, we work harder, for longer hours than any other civilized country, or so I’ve heard. That’s just not right. I propose they lower our workweeks from 40 to 20. If we only worked 20 hours we might be a little more motivated and effective. As it is, some of us waste that other 20 hours a week goofing off on websites and chat rooms. I don’t do that myself, but I’ve heard that some people partake in that. I can’t believe some people would be so selfish as to waste their employer’s time like that!
-Keeping with the office theme:
Where do one-legged people work?…………….IHOP.
-So Paris Hilton’s dog was lost last month, amazingly, only to be found a few days later. She had posted a reward of $5000. This girl’s worth millions yet she only puts up a measly five grand for her beloved pooch. Guess Prada was having a sale that day and she couldn’t be bothered. I’m not saying I had anything to do with the dog’s recovery but 5 grand wasn’t enough for me. Be looking for “A Night In Paris 2” at your local adult bookstores.
-Lot’s of great new music coming down the pipeline. Pat Green, Jason Boland, N Sync minus Timberlake, Charlie Robison, Lindsay Lohan and Roger Creager all have new projects coming out soon. Check them out!
-Every Monday and Tuesday in San Marcos you can find the best live music in Texas. As Echo’s Orbit Room (Mondays) and Ryan Turner (Tuesdays) perform live at the Green Parrot. Go see these bands! If nothing else go for the cheap cold beer and cheaper hot women.
-Thanks to all for the kind words, thoughts and prayers while I dealt with the loss of my 16 yr old beagle, Casey, last month. I think he’s up there in dog heaven with Benji, Lassie, Spuds McKenzie and the Taco Bell dog.
-So Nick and Jessica are no longer Newlyweds and no longer on MTV. Britney Spears and her Malibu’s Most Wanted fiancé are reportedly in talks to take over the show. I can see it now. It’ll be like a real life mixture of: You Got Served, Joe Dirt, Showgirls, The Bodyguard, Pam and Tommy Uncensored, and Jerry Springer. Britney could make a lot of money if she’d go on Springer and fight her boyfriend’s baby mama. They could make millions. Britney’s mom and sister could run out from the back and start slapping random people.
-I’ll be in a wedding this month. Congratulations Ben and Amy. Last month Wade played and dedicated “Who I Am” to them. And it just happens to be the song they’ll dance to at their wedding. Magic moment indeed. Unfortunately, Amy did not go with my suggestion that Lil Jon’s “Get Low” would be a good choice.
-Went to the casinos last month in Shreveport. Why don’t we have one in every town? Free booze, free lung cancer, free neon headache, 500 dollars in the hole. Priceless.
-This month’s recommended movie: Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle.
-This month’s recommended album: Slaid Cleaves-Brokedown
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most-Mark Twain